1/29/11 Saturday
Today I managed to practice meditation, it is day four of my twenty-one day challenge. This is a gift that I am giving myself. I don't get much time for cultivating my other passions. I need to be present in my day, in this way I am able to enjoy the moments and just love my children. When I am not present, I tend to be more sorrowful and fearful. This does not make for a happy mother, and we all know; the mother sets the tone of the home. As mother I need to be grateful, joyful and peaceful. Sometimes I get consumed in the vortex of need based tasks and I am not really living. I am striving for balance, not just living to maintain the lists. There is a pile needing to be filed, bills to pay, invoices to mail out, thank you cards, correspondence, birthday cards and gifts, parties to organize, friendships to celebrate, book cub, horse therapy, tutor, occupational therapy, speech therapy, massage, body work, play time, barbie time, play mermaid, homeschool, reading, meal preparation, meal plans, meal shopping, driving, Awanas, house work - (ha ha who has time for that, I am too busy cleaning other people's homes). It is easy to loose sight of the quality of our moments together.
I need to balance my older teenager's needs and my almost ten year old, (Jewel). Need to take care of a sick child, Raven is sick today :( .
Beware of parenting out of guilt because this is a sure miss. I have parented out of guilt, thinking I was compensating for Jewel's disability, trying to make it up to my older children, for at times our days revolve around Jewel's needs. I expect a lot from my older girls because we are a family and families have to stick together. Jewel has and still does need many helping hands. Raven was six and a half and Makena was seven and a half when Jewel was born. These to girls have had to step up to the plate ever since my pregnancy because it was a high risk pregnancy. Full of bed rest, emergency room visits, constant bleeding, and then a mother who was medi-vact to Honolulu for pre-term labour. I am blessed that in spite of all of this my girls are very close and love each other, really they are best friends!
Our life with Jewel, and her sisters is very organic. When Jewel was little all I remember doing was crying. My life was too big for me, I was not equipped to be a mother of a child who was so fragile, who was so developmentally delayed. My existence became to nurse, keep my milk flowing for five years, make sure Jewel made it alive through another night. She screamed for years at night, she does not do this as much any more. I managed to nurse Jewel for four years, a great feat for us. I am rambling with these run on sentences. To simmer it down, I am learning to savour the moments, make the hard choices and decisions, keep one foot going in front of the other. Keep breathing, keep smiling, keep praying and keep believing. Jewel had a couple of accidents today and we all lived through them, and so did she. She does not like to fail, she is a high achiever like Raven. Being diaper free is a great achievement, especially when Jewel relies on all of us to get her to the bathroom. Her dependency used to hurt my heart now not so much. Because she is a whole human being, a complete soul and a gift from God. I am just grateful for each skill that Jewel can master, in her own way, in her own time, and it is good. Each one of these marks is a celebration for us all because it has taken years working along sides her, commiting to the goal and purpose and then we have the Aaah moments. We all win on these days. I will not think on the future, just enjoy today, this evening and yet I will hope for and believe in a better tomorrow. I am my daughter's greatest fan, and I hope you are your children's greatest cheerleader as well!
Take time to Reflect.
