Tears and Fears

5/3/11 Tuesday
Wakey,  wakey
Waiting for the water to boil for coffee.
I am late getting up, ... invoices and bills to mail out, but all has to wait till I awake.
5/2/11 10pm hit and Jewel started crying, sometimes she does this to unwind just before bed.  She is sensitive and her body processes a lot at night.
I was printing out invoices and told her I will be to bed soon, Jewel sleeps in my bed, but the crying persisted.  I gave her a few minutes to work it out by her self, sometimes this works.  The crying sounded so sad I just had to go in, I turned on the light and big swollen red wet green eyes looked at me.
So I said, "okay Jewel, are you hurting?" and she said,"no".  This is what I do, I ask questions and hopefully she will answer and we can get to the bottom of it.  "Are you angry?" and she said,"sad."
Then she kept saying something that I did not understand, so I called in  the interpreters, her sisters.
Makena said, " is that Crystal" and Jewel said, "yes" and there were more tears, "miss Crystal."  Life is painful.    Pretty soon we were all crying.  It turns out that Jewel wanted to see Crystal off at the air port and it finally hit her that her occupational therapist for two years had left the island.
Earlier on in the day Makena was teasing that Jewel was glad that Crysta was gone, now she would not have to work so hard.
Then the flood gates of speech, feelings, fears and dialogue broke open.
Jewel says, "sorry Crystal", because she used to tell Crystal, "go away", when she was tired or done working.  "Sorry for go away."  Then it was, "I love you Crystal, and cats", because she knows that Crystal is traveling back home with her four cats, two in cargo and two under her seat, before she can go to South Africa.  Jewel loves Crystal and wants her to know that she loves her and that she is sorry for saying go away.  She wants Crystal to know that she does not hate her.  She is processing her emotions and aligning them up with words to express her self, it is so awesome, even though we want to go to bed.  I let Jewel know that it is important to cry and we all do it, at a point we all cried and prayed for Crystal.  I let her know that we will all miss Crystal, and Makena said we could call, skype or write to her.  I asked Jewel if she wanted to write on her blog about her feelings tonight and she said, "no."  Jewel said she would like to, "write." So maybe Jewel will write her Aunty / teacher Crystal a letter, good idea! :-)   I told her how proud we are of her and how brave she is and that Crystal has made our hearts bigger.  She said, "Gracie miss", yes Jewel's companion therapy dog will miss Crystal also, since Crystal showered so much love on her.  Makena said that we can turn the blog into a, "I miss Crystal blog."  Then Jewel said, "don't go, scary", because she has heard us talk about the dangers of traveling alone and the political and social economic climate in South Africa at this time.  Makena was doing a great job as interpreter because she understands Jewel the first time, most of the time unlike me.  Late at night I am tired and Jewel gets frustrated with me because i ask her to repeat that word again, then she ends up saying, "nothing" more like 'noting" and shuts me out, it is like being dropped.  I was not going to let her do this tonight.  Jewel asked me, "you okay ?", "Crystal leave", "goodbye."  Jewel feels so much and hears all our conversations and thinks and links  it all up, Jewel my flower it will be okay, we will laugh and cry together.  Then we will watch Crystal on a dvd when Makena formats the clips she shot of the hippo-therapy sessions.  Past 10:30 and there is more, "Ask you question", "you leaving, Crystal, you go home?"  Makena strings it all together so quickly, you see Jewel knows that I was born in South Africa and that my Mother still lives there on a farm.  She is worried that I will go back home to my mother and leave her to.  What a deep and valid thought Jewel.  So we talked about why and when I left home, where my home was now.  It was with her and her sisters.  I talked about what happens when you marry and that becomes your new family and home.  Then Jewel wanted to talk about my parents and her grand parents, she was connecting all the dots, so we had a genealogy late night lesson.  There is no time like taking advantage when the iron is hot.  Makena suggested that Jeweliana talk to me when I get home from work instead of late a night.  Jewel said that she had to talk to me at night because I work in the day and when I get home she wants me to teach her "walk" and "read".  Well that is good enough for me and Jewel has summed it up nicely.  Never underestimate you child's deep well of emotions and ability to think even when they can not verbalize it. They are like sponges and they take it all in, we have to allow them a safe place to express with out judgement and honour their feelings and thoughts.  For they are fearfully and wonderfully made, my soul knows this well.